Last Day of Pregnancy

All through your life, people say "9 months" for pregnancy, and for me--it was exactly 10 months (40 weeks) and 13 days.

In preparation for leaving work and possibly going into labor prior to our due date of April 7th, my last day of work was Friday, April 5th. As it turned out, my first 2 weeks of paid maternity leave were spent re-cleaning our house, re-shopping for grocery staples and hanging out with my mom (your Grandma)...she couldn't "play it by ear" any more than I could, so she flew out to visit the day before your dad took his Civil Engineering PE test (which was Friday, April 12th) and stayed until the following Sunday.  We mostly stared at each other for that time...it was awkward and I'm not good at waiting. I was getting pissy and impatient!  But the time passed and we all felt READY by the time my last prenatal appointment rolled around.
Here I am on Thursday, April 18th on my way to the midwifery practice...barely fitting into my pink shoes! We were scheduled to be admitted into the hospital at 6am the following morning for induction.

CANNOT WAIT TO GET YOU OUT OF ME AND INTO THE WORLD!! XOXOXO

41 weeks young

Hi, baby girl.
Gosh, this last week has been hard. Your dad studied a lot and then took his Professional Engineer licensing test. Your  grandma, my mom, arrived for her "meet Isobel" visit last Thursday & has been keeping me company. Aunt Sammi was up over the weekend too.

April 5th was my last day of work, so it's been an adjustment to be around the house on weekdays. Also, our roommate, Evan, moved out last Monday.

This time of waiting & "in between" hasn't been easy for me. Since the day I left work, I've been ready to hold you in my arms! Your dad has been very glad that you waited until after his big test, though. :)  I guess it never occurred to me that God's perfect timing would appear late to all of us...with this scenio. But here we are. It's a huge reminder that His ways aren't ours & vice versa. I trust Him to get you out of me safe and sound. I juat want it to be soon (like now!). Carrying a baby this long is exhausting, plus your dad & I now are sick with colds.

Our consolation in all of this is that we get you, that this craziness will end and our little family will love & live together.

I'm happy to report that I've only barely avoided trying everything to naturally (help my body) start labor...won't go into it, but I have decided to just let go & let God do His work.

And i'm still afraid of what will happen. I just choose to trust & obey anyway.

See you soon my love. You're going to love it out here.

I Need Thee Every Hour

Little Bel,

Over the past few weeks, especially while you've been "full term" (anytime after 37ish weeks), I've been asking God to speak.  He made Himself heard to me so often and clearly early on in the pregnancy, which was so encouraging and strengthening for me.  That's when He told me that you were the end result of something new He was doing in me (in us), something more beautiful than anything I've known.  I've lived on His words throughout maternity, like a dog continues gnawing at a bone that has long since been licked clean--just the reminder of that smell and taste has been sustaining. 

Lately, I've felt the need for a new word from Him, so I've been asking. The day before last, I got a song in my head that I needed the rest of the words to--"I Need Thee Every Hour." 

The Lower Lights – I Need Thee Every Hour

I sung what I knew, and looked up the rest when I got home that day.  I found out the story behind the writer of those lyrics, whose name was Annie S. Hawks.  Apparently, she was young when she married, and found herself a housewife and mother of 2 at the age of 37--full of joy and peace and contentment--when the lyrics came to her.  The song got really popular, but mainly for those needing comfort in times of suffering and, for years, Annie didn't understand how something she wrote in a time of joy in her life could be used by God in this way. A few years later, her husband died--and she missed him incredibly. This song came back to her mind--especially a line that says, 

"I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.

And she realized what meaningful work God had done through her many years ago--the words of her own song comforted her.  She remembered how the Lord sustains us and empowers us for every good work that He calls us to.  And whether we feel joyful or we're grieving and desperate for comfort--the need for our Savior, our Healer, is every close and constant. And her writing is said to be based on the verses in John 15 that speak of our absolute need to "abide in the vine"--the intimate connection with our Lord.

John 15
New International Version (NIV)

The Vine and the Branches
15 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes^[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. ³ You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴ Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

⁵ “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶ If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷ If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
⁹ “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. ¹⁰ If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. ¹¹ I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. ¹² My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³ Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. ¹⁴ You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵ I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. ¹⁶ You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. ¹⁷ This is my command: Love each other.

I've been thinking over what this means to me, personally, over the last couple of days, because often the Lord gives me a bit and then watches while I process it (like a puzzle or a game).  Well, it speaks to a very deep insecurity and building fear within me that's been surfacing as you get closer to being born--the questions over, "Will I be good enough?" "Can I do this well?"  "Will I even enjoy it?" "What will people think of me?"  (and the like)

You have to just shake your head and enjoy it when our Lord responds to something inside you that you haven't even said out loud to anyone. He's showing you, in that moment, that He is all God and very in love with you...to calm the storm brewing up. 

The answer to my questions, my fears and insecurities:  You will NEED ME EVERY HOUR, in joy and pain...and I will BE THERE.

Thank you, Ishi.
Come soon, Isobel Ruby. We're ready for you. 

Non-Maternal Thoughts

I've always wondered if God got a little distracted and mixed up a few things when he was making me.

A lot of my life, I just haven't fit in the "girl mold" that friends, siblings and seemingly the general populous reflect.  Now of course I like to look pretty. I like boys (well mainly just the one boy), and I enjoy a fancy haircut and shoes that make me tall (but don't make me cry for at least a few hours of wearing). I cry sometimes in movies...I dabble with sewing and crafts, but only very selectively.

In any case, a lot of this mommy stuff has been weird for me at first.  I've not really had much interaction with babies or kids in my life--and what I've enjoyed about the times I have spent with them have been the ones where we're one on on.  I get easily self-conscious in the presence of other adults, observing me playing with a kid.  I don't know why...I just assume they know what they're doing more so than I and they are likely to judge me.

But, over this 9 months and the 2 years-ish that we've been pregnant off and on I've warmed to the idea of super soft onesies and the smell of baby wipes.  I've prayed, "God, please make sure I'm a good mom who isn't too afraid of it to be really good at it. Please let me get over the vanity of other people watching me parent...but please let them not be too mean and judgy towards me!"  :)

I want all good things for Isobel and for my family.  I want her to not doubt for one second of her love that she is fully loved and fully special in her own right.  I want her to learn how to express herself, enjoy the world's beauty, know others deeply and understand her place in the bigger picture.  I want her to feel free to be strong and weak and I want to earn her trust.

Every once in a while, though, my mind goes to the place where Jesse Elizabeth started...I think:

Would it be so bad if I secured her to the toilet for like...a while, just for a break from diapering?

OR

What I wouldn't give for a rocking body, positives-accentuating bikini, a beautiful beach and a cold beer in my hand right now...I think I would give this baby. I'm glad that's not possible.

OR

YOU stay home while I work and then see how it sounds when I say something asinine like, "I think you're going to enjoy this time off."

I think I'm always going to have these thoughts and that it's mostly okay.  Maybe it wouldn't be normal NOT to.  I'm really glad that the Lord equips those he calls...in anything.  But it does happen slowly and not a moment too soon. Yay life.

Hi little Bel,

Weeks 36-37 have been full of surprise presents and your dad's and my amazement as my big (and growing) belly...not to mention my bloated feet/ankles/legs. Below are a couple of days apart.

At my office, I haven't been the only pregnant one--Through the last 9 months, there have been three of us, all pregnant at the same time.  We're actually all due within a week of each other--pretty neat.  So the office threw us 3 a baby shower! We had a lovely time guessing co-worker baby pictures, eating sweets and opening gifts.  This little monkey came from them-he is really soft (like you I bet!).  The book below is supposed to be my "homework" during maternity leave... ;)


 Your cat brothers have had a great time with all the shipping boxes, bags and paper from  your presents...

I still have to take a photo inventory of all your cool presents: Aunt Andrea sent a box of books and cute clothes, as well as a couple of pampering goodies for me and movie gift card $$ for us.

Aunt Alison (Nash) made a really cool blanket for you--it was in that bag in the pictures...poor bag. LOL

Aunt Corey sent some really special books and your first mixtape full of fun songs. 

I can't wait to introduce you to all of these people~wonderful people that we know.  I can't tell you how many of our friends, family and even those we don't really know well that have been praying for us and for you this year.  It's been incredible.

Aunt Sammi ("Duntie") works at a christian organization called Compassion International.  She has co-workers who have been praying for you and for your dad and me the last couple of years.  She said that a few of them have homemade gifts for you--We are very blessed.

Another of those special people is Shannon (Rease) Bryan.  We met her in Portland, Jamaica (in the Peace Corps) and your dad and she did NOT get along at first.  I thought they might kill each other, but I kind of liked Shannon all along.  She is one of the most organized, thoughtful and kind people I know.  I was immediately impressed with the confidence she felt as a woman in Jamaica, and how she used that comfortability and confidence to her advantage--to help people (especially teachers and school communities) where she lived/worked.  She spent 4 years in the USPC, and we knew her for 2 of those.  Now, she is a dear friend who lives in Atlanta, GA.  She and her husband (boyfriend when we met them!) are having a wedding party this September and I'd really like to go and celebrate with them.  You'd like Ricardo too--he's pretty quiet, but a big sweetheart.

Anyway, Shannon has a knack for making cool stuff with almost totally reused materials.  I'm always looking for jewelry/gifts to buy on her Etsy shop.  Well, she recently surprised us by sending this amazing cat to us FOR YOU: We named her "Guvnuh" after Shannon's nickname in Portland.  She has a special front pocket for your stuff and her body is made out of a pair of Shannon's jeans that I remember her wearing all the time in Jamaica.

Pretty cool if you ask me (and I am fairly discerning when it comes to this stuff).

What else...

Your dad has finished his 6 Saturday study classes in preparation for his big PE licensure test on April 12th.  Now, he just has to put more time in to review materials on his own, take the practice test on April 6th and then the real test on the 12th.  I think he'll do fine, but he's stressed about it--and how it will affect his availability for me and you! Don't tell him I say so, but he's doing a great job of taking care of us (and I think he always will).

My last day of work (for a while) will be Friday, April 5th.  If you don't already come out by then, it seems like we'll have a little quiet time getting ready for labor--at least it would be nice if things work out that way.  I can do a little shopping, cooking and cleaning to make sure we're prepared.  And sleeping...I'd like to catch up on sleep before it's too late. :)

That's all for now. xoxo

You both look really good in stripes

 :)

Perfect 36

Well, your dad said it--we went to the doctor on Tuesday and everything looks great.  Your heart's beating around 140 and you're measuring perfect for your due date, which is still April 7th.  We got to see you on the screen, but you were SO big that we could only see parts of you.

You're making me tummy push out pretty far now, but I know we have a ways to go.
I need to start documenting all the cool stuff our friends and family have made, bought and sent to you, Bel.  Gosh, so many people love us and I don't want to forget any of it.

Your uncle Billy sent us a onesie for you with Grumpy Cat on it (your dad's current favorite online meme) and The Nash's sent us a handmade blanket for you.  Scott and Abbie bought a really important set of cloth diapers off of our list and I can't wait to try them out.

Here's me, week 36. Can't wait to see more of you!