Non-Maternal Thoughts

I've always wondered if God got a little distracted and mixed up a few things when he was making me.

A lot of my life, I just haven't fit in the "girl mold" that friends, siblings and seemingly the general populous reflect.  Now of course I like to look pretty. I like boys (well mainly just the one boy), and I enjoy a fancy haircut and shoes that make me tall (but don't make me cry for at least a few hours of wearing). I cry sometimes in movies...I dabble with sewing and crafts, but only very selectively.

In any case, a lot of this mommy stuff has been weird for me at first.  I've not really had much interaction with babies or kids in my life--and what I've enjoyed about the times I have spent with them have been the ones where we're one on on.  I get easily self-conscious in the presence of other adults, observing me playing with a kid.  I don't know why...I just assume they know what they're doing more so than I and they are likely to judge me.

But, over this 9 months and the 2 years-ish that we've been pregnant off and on I've warmed to the idea of super soft onesies and the smell of baby wipes.  I've prayed, "God, please make sure I'm a good mom who isn't too afraid of it to be really good at it. Please let me get over the vanity of other people watching me parent...but please let them not be too mean and judgy towards me!"  :)

I want all good things for Isobel and for my family.  I want her to not doubt for one second of her love that she is fully loved and fully special in her own right.  I want her to learn how to express herself, enjoy the world's beauty, know others deeply and understand her place in the bigger picture.  I want her to feel free to be strong and weak and I want to earn her trust.

Every once in a while, though, my mind goes to the place where Jesse Elizabeth started...I think:

Would it be so bad if I secured her to the toilet for like...a while, just for a break from diapering?

OR

What I wouldn't give for a rocking body, positives-accentuating bikini, a beautiful beach and a cold beer in my hand right now...I think I would give this baby. I'm glad that's not possible.

OR

YOU stay home while I work and then see how it sounds when I say something asinine like, "I think you're going to enjoy this time off."

I think I'm always going to have these thoughts and that it's mostly okay.  Maybe it wouldn't be normal NOT to.  I'm really glad that the Lord equips those he calls...in anything.  But it does happen slowly and not a moment too soon. Yay life.