We've come a long way, baby.

There’s No Good Way to Give Bad News

Posted on September 9, 2010 by zimbodeux

I’m sorry. This wasn’t the follow-up blog entry I wanted to write.

This morning at the doctor we discovered that our little Jamaica baby in Jesse didn’t have a heartbeat anymore. We went from being on the road to parenthood right back to just being “us” in the few seconds it took to say, “I’m sorry I don’t see a heartbeat.”

There’s no word for what I felt after hearing that. It was like I was imploding. Like all the blood had just run out of me. Like everything in my mind just started collapsing. I didn’t know whether to cry or to scream, “Look HARDER!” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I didn’t even think this was a possibility at this point. You read everything’s on autopilot for the first few months. I don’t get it. Neither of us do. And I guess it doesn’t really matters. The doctor said it wasn’t anything we did. We read that if the genetic stuff isn’t lining up properly then it will automatically shut down “the operation.” Sometimes God’s will is confusing. But I know it would’ve hurt a lot more happening 9mo+ down the road.

I was really looking forward to being a dad. I remember the joy that swept over me when I saw the pregnancy tests in Mandeville. It was like nothing I’d felt before. I know this isn’t the end, but man it sure does hurt a lot. Just an overwhelming, crushing hurt.

I can’t even begin to think about how much of a u-turn our lives just took without crying. I feel numb and sad.

…really really sad.

You can call or write if you want to, but I know there’s nothing really to say. I just wanted to give you the news this way because I can’t bear to tell each of you personally. I’m sorry.

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